Thursday, July 10, 2003
And all the roads we have to walk are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding.
I’d advise you not to read this, if you even check this anymore, its just me going on and on and on and on about what’s tearing me down this summer. A lot of self questioning. And wondering. And hurting. And learning. Its more for me, just to put my thoughts down, and by posting it here, i can almost lie to myself that its an accomplishment, and not a complete waste of time. But if it lessens the thoughts in my mind, then its worth it. That’s your warning.
“Don’t believe me, don’t you dare believe me when I say I got it down pat”
I’m going under. Not really, I’ve been under for a while. And I’m coming closer to the surface every day closer to Wilmington. But it’s a long way to the air.
What a summer. Not quite what was expected, that’s for sure. Expectations and ideals shattered. Spirit beaten but not broken. I honestly expected this to be my most carefree summer of all time, and its turned into the one that’s weighed heaviest on my mind. Ever. Period. Work. Sabryna. Family. My future. And definitely not in that order. Its been heavy. On me, on my mind. Every step I take I can associate with something. Every song has meaning, a memory, a vision, a desire. Of how things are. Were. Will be. Could be. Every breath is a new contemplation. I’ve realized I should be an actor. I pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. No one has a clue. I can give a glimpse, say the right thing, and they think that maybe there’s a little something, and that’s it. They got no clue my mind’s been turning over and over and over. Nonstop. Since about the 3rd week in may. Yeah, I had 2 weeks of freedom. 2 weeks that were like what I imagined the entire summer would be, prolly the 1st semester of my junior year as well. And then it shattered. Like a mirror dropped from a 70 story building. Shattered into oblivion. And I’m picking up the pieces and putting them together. Slowly. The only problem is I can’t find them all, they are hidden in the fog known as the future.
“I’m going under, drowning in you, I’m falling forever. I’ve got to break through.”
I guess I was due. It’d been too easy since mid-sophomore year of high school. I’d been too carefree. And I know that it will be back. Sooner than anyone else. Because that’s me, water off a ducks back, but when it’s a monsoon, no matter how fast it beads off, you stay wet. And I’m gonna sound conceited now, but I don’t regret any of it. Or at least I know I won’t in 6 months. This has been a summer of learning. I’ve found a new part of myself. Something always there, something I’d sensed but never found. Only problem is, I don’t know what it is, if that makes any sense whatsoever. Doesn’t matter, this is just me rambling. Helps clear my mind. Besides, probably the only person that will ever see it is you. Love you for that babe, you have no idea how much I appreciate that trust I have in you.
“We are what we love, not what loves us.”
So my future. That sounds like a good thing to type now. I’ll save other things for later/tomorrow/next week/never. I got no idea what I’m doing w/ my life. And yeah, everyone says that. Everyone doesn’t know. But for the first time in mine, I care. I’m in bio, and nothing interests me. I love the classes, but the thought of a lifetime infront of a microscope or something like that horrifies me. And I know that’s not all there is, but I can’t find anything that blows my skirt up. I’ll give it one more year. If I don’t find something junior year, I’ll do golf. Shit, I’ve done it 8 years, and still enjoy it. I could make a life outta that. I’ll finish college. I’ll be the first Gerdon w/ a degree. Its important to me, even if it becomes a complete waste of money to get a lil’ gay plaque that means nothing with what I do until I die. I dunno. Blah. I got time to figure that one out, just need to push it out of my mind. Let it ride Austin. Let it ride. Time will tell. Which is true of everything.
Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself…am I living it right?
Part 2. Sabryna. What’s really been bothering me this summer. I wanted the break. She knew that. She’ll give me the credit of it. I told her I wanted a one night stand or a fling or something to that extent. I needed the freedom for a bit. And now, I realize I don’t. I’m a person that doesn’t want that freedom. I want a girl that I can be free with. And that’s what I had. And I wanted the break. What the fuck is wrong with me. Not a question, but an unanswerable statement. She went out and had sex with some guy. And in all honesty, that doesn’t bother me…too much. I thought it would if it happened, but it hardly does. What it did was make me more upset with myself. I let it happen. I gave her permission to do it. That was the point of this break. To go have fun. To go get into some trouble. And my chances for that same fling were/are there. And I don’t want them. I just have a void where she once was, and I’m not gonna even try to fill it. I told her I had/have the chance for that one night stand. She told me to take it. And I told her the truth. I don’t want it. I don’t want to have anyone but her. I guess the only thing that bothers me about the whole thing is that that was ours to a point, and I gave her the freedom to give it to someone else. And that hurts, not that she did, but the fact that I let her. That’s how I feel, I feel I let someone have that chance. Me. It was my fuck up. I don’t blame her. God, I love my second guessing after the crime. Hindsight is 20/20. And mine is crystal clear. But I think, no, I know it was the right thing todo. I needed that break to see where I stood. And that same hindsight shows me where I want to be. With her. I’ve been so emo. No, I don’t like that word. I like depressed, not that it shows, or ever will. I don’t do depressed, I’m Austin, I’m the antichrist of depressed. I go into work every day, and no one has a clue. Sis has no clue. My entire family has no clue. My best friends up here have no clue. Fuck, my best friends EVERYWHERE have no clue.
“Its hard to tell when you’re out of reach. And I can’t help you till you tell me everything. Its only words, words don’t bleed.”
I dunno. It just makes it hard sometimes when you analyze songs like I do(which you know). But every song I can relate to her or our relationship. Even if it shouldn’t happen. I went out w/ the guys the other night, and the band is up there playing, and I’m having a good time, and then they’de play a song, and instantly memories pop up. “There’s a little black spot in the sun today. Same Black spot as yesterday. (That’s my soul up there).” Maybe it’s a little harder for me since I’m always, ALWAYS so far from this. Water off a ducks back, but I have a hard time shrugging off something that’s always on my mind. “I have stood here before inside the pouring rain With the world turning circles running 'round my brain” It’s perfect. The rain is inside me this summer. As much as it rains here, it falls in my head even more. Do you remember that night in your room, and I was playing on the etch-a-sketch, and I wrote on it, “I wish I was a sailor”? You asked what it ment, and I dunno if I told you, but the song lyric is “I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me. And I guess I’m more upset with myself than anything because I had someone that would/is waiting for me, and I basically told her to turn from the ocean and look away for a summer. And when she turned in sadness away from me, because it was ME that wanted it, it was me that stared at the shore and she wasn’t there. *shakes head* I dunno. Maybe I should use more metaphors in this shit rambling. I dunno, I never planned to fall in love with someone this early in my life. And I’ve come to the realization that that’s what happened. I knew I loved her. Knew it. But I didn’t realize I loved her that much. I have a very hard time imagining anyone filling her place now. I don’t even want to think about the nightmare it would be if I tried. “and maybe, maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me.” One night during a phone call that lasted way to long when I had to be in at work @ 6:30 the next morning, she asked if we were going out. And I wasn’t going to rush her back into it, as much as I wanted to tell her that it kills me not knowing she’s mine. And I told her if she was ready then I wanted to. And I knew it was coming. I woulda put money on it before we took a break that when the time came, I would be the one waiting to get back with her. KNEW IT. And she said she had things to take care of. And that’s understandable. It doesn’t bother me, I understand. But it still kinda stings. Maybe I just wish-. I dunno. I dunno what I wish. I dunno what I’m doing. Tossing up things for grab that are the most important in my life. Cute huh? Good work Austin. *applauds*
“Cause I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life…
I rent a room and I fill the spaces with Wood in places to make it feel like home But all I feel's alone It might be a quarter life crisis Or just the stirring in my soul”
I guess it hurts so bad b/c I know she’ll be there in August, waiting for me. I know she will. I’d bet my life on it. But I can’t help myself from wondering if what if she wasn’t. How would I react? How bad would I hurt? There’s time’s I’m jealous of zeechy. He’s lonely. But he’s comfortable with it. I went thru this once before, and its honestly the worst thing ever. I hate it weighing on my mind. This summer was supposed to be carefree goddamnit. And I’VE turned it into anything but. Constant weight on me. And its my burden, fuck, I put it there. And now its just enough weight where I can carry it, could carry it forever. But not without a constant stumble that’s just outta sight of everyone I see. But in all honesty, I’m doing ok for it hurting this bad. I know I just have to carry it for another 5 or 6 weeks. My problem is I’m aware enough to know that its what I was waiting for…forever. And I found it. I got what I was after, hell, what everyone is after, and I stepped away. And now I can’t close that distance fast enough. It’s a summer of learning. Period. And like the cliché goes, it hits you when you least expect it. I could sit here all night and type, but I think that’s enough. I just needed to get this out, and putting it down like this helps me. Thank you if you made it all the way through this nightmare.
I tried my best to grin and bear
And took the stairs but didn't stop at the street
And as we speak I'm going down
Cause she spread her love
And burnt me up
I can't let go
I can't get out
I've said enough
Enough by now
I can't let go
I can't get out
I’d advise you not to read this, if you even check this anymore, its just me going on and on and on and on about what’s tearing me down this summer. A lot of self questioning. And wondering. And hurting. And learning. Its more for me, just to put my thoughts down, and by posting it here, i can almost lie to myself that its an accomplishment, and not a complete waste of time. But if it lessens the thoughts in my mind, then its worth it. That’s your warning.
“Don’t believe me, don’t you dare believe me when I say I got it down pat”
I’m going under. Not really, I’ve been under for a while. And I’m coming closer to the surface every day closer to Wilmington. But it’s a long way to the air.
What a summer. Not quite what was expected, that’s for sure. Expectations and ideals shattered. Spirit beaten but not broken. I honestly expected this to be my most carefree summer of all time, and its turned into the one that’s weighed heaviest on my mind. Ever. Period. Work. Sabryna. Family. My future. And definitely not in that order. Its been heavy. On me, on my mind. Every step I take I can associate with something. Every song has meaning, a memory, a vision, a desire. Of how things are. Were. Will be. Could be. Every breath is a new contemplation. I’ve realized I should be an actor. I pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. No one has a clue. I can give a glimpse, say the right thing, and they think that maybe there’s a little something, and that’s it. They got no clue my mind’s been turning over and over and over. Nonstop. Since about the 3rd week in may. Yeah, I had 2 weeks of freedom. 2 weeks that were like what I imagined the entire summer would be, prolly the 1st semester of my junior year as well. And then it shattered. Like a mirror dropped from a 70 story building. Shattered into oblivion. And I’m picking up the pieces and putting them together. Slowly. The only problem is I can’t find them all, they are hidden in the fog known as the future.
“I’m going under, drowning in you, I’m falling forever. I’ve got to break through.”
I guess I was due. It’d been too easy since mid-sophomore year of high school. I’d been too carefree. And I know that it will be back. Sooner than anyone else. Because that’s me, water off a ducks back, but when it’s a monsoon, no matter how fast it beads off, you stay wet. And I’m gonna sound conceited now, but I don’t regret any of it. Or at least I know I won’t in 6 months. This has been a summer of learning. I’ve found a new part of myself. Something always there, something I’d sensed but never found. Only problem is, I don’t know what it is, if that makes any sense whatsoever. Doesn’t matter, this is just me rambling. Helps clear my mind. Besides, probably the only person that will ever see it is you. Love you for that babe, you have no idea how much I appreciate that trust I have in you.
“We are what we love, not what loves us.”
So my future. That sounds like a good thing to type now. I’ll save other things for later/tomorrow/next week/never. I got no idea what I’m doing w/ my life. And yeah, everyone says that. Everyone doesn’t know. But for the first time in mine, I care. I’m in bio, and nothing interests me. I love the classes, but the thought of a lifetime infront of a microscope or something like that horrifies me. And I know that’s not all there is, but I can’t find anything that blows my skirt up. I’ll give it one more year. If I don’t find something junior year, I’ll do golf. Shit, I’ve done it 8 years, and still enjoy it. I could make a life outta that. I’ll finish college. I’ll be the first Gerdon w/ a degree. Its important to me, even if it becomes a complete waste of money to get a lil’ gay plaque that means nothing with what I do until I die. I dunno. Blah. I got time to figure that one out, just need to push it out of my mind. Let it ride Austin. Let it ride. Time will tell. Which is true of everything.
Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself…am I living it right?
Part 2. Sabryna. What’s really been bothering me this summer. I wanted the break. She knew that. She’ll give me the credit of it. I told her I wanted a one night stand or a fling or something to that extent. I needed the freedom for a bit. And now, I realize I don’t. I’m a person that doesn’t want that freedom. I want a girl that I can be free with. And that’s what I had. And I wanted the break. What the fuck is wrong with me. Not a question, but an unanswerable statement. She went out and had sex with some guy. And in all honesty, that doesn’t bother me…too much. I thought it would if it happened, but it hardly does. What it did was make me more upset with myself. I let it happen. I gave her permission to do it. That was the point of this break. To go have fun. To go get into some trouble. And my chances for that same fling were/are there. And I don’t want them. I just have a void where she once was, and I’m not gonna even try to fill it. I told her I had/have the chance for that one night stand. She told me to take it. And I told her the truth. I don’t want it. I don’t want to have anyone but her. I guess the only thing that bothers me about the whole thing is that that was ours to a point, and I gave her the freedom to give it to someone else. And that hurts, not that she did, but the fact that I let her. That’s how I feel, I feel I let someone have that chance. Me. It was my fuck up. I don’t blame her. God, I love my second guessing after the crime. Hindsight is 20/20. And mine is crystal clear. But I think, no, I know it was the right thing todo. I needed that break to see where I stood. And that same hindsight shows me where I want to be. With her. I’ve been so emo. No, I don’t like that word. I like depressed, not that it shows, or ever will. I don’t do depressed, I’m Austin, I’m the antichrist of depressed. I go into work every day, and no one has a clue. Sis has no clue. My entire family has no clue. My best friends up here have no clue. Fuck, my best friends EVERYWHERE have no clue.
“Its hard to tell when you’re out of reach. And I can’t help you till you tell me everything. Its only words, words don’t bleed.”
I dunno. It just makes it hard sometimes when you analyze songs like I do(which you know). But every song I can relate to her or our relationship. Even if it shouldn’t happen. I went out w/ the guys the other night, and the band is up there playing, and I’m having a good time, and then they’de play a song, and instantly memories pop up. “There’s a little black spot in the sun today. Same Black spot as yesterday. (That’s my soul up there).” Maybe it’s a little harder for me since I’m always, ALWAYS so far from this. Water off a ducks back, but I have a hard time shrugging off something that’s always on my mind. “I have stood here before inside the pouring rain With the world turning circles running 'round my brain” It’s perfect. The rain is inside me this summer. As much as it rains here, it falls in my head even more. Do you remember that night in your room, and I was playing on the etch-a-sketch, and I wrote on it, “I wish I was a sailor”? You asked what it ment, and I dunno if I told you, but the song lyric is “I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me. And I guess I’m more upset with myself than anything because I had someone that would/is waiting for me, and I basically told her to turn from the ocean and look away for a summer. And when she turned in sadness away from me, because it was ME that wanted it, it was me that stared at the shore and she wasn’t there. *shakes head* I dunno. Maybe I should use more metaphors in this shit rambling. I dunno, I never planned to fall in love with someone this early in my life. And I’ve come to the realization that that’s what happened. I knew I loved her. Knew it. But I didn’t realize I loved her that much. I have a very hard time imagining anyone filling her place now. I don’t even want to think about the nightmare it would be if I tried. “and maybe, maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me.” One night during a phone call that lasted way to long when I had to be in at work @ 6:30 the next morning, she asked if we were going out. And I wasn’t going to rush her back into it, as much as I wanted to tell her that it kills me not knowing she’s mine. And I told her if she was ready then I wanted to. And I knew it was coming. I woulda put money on it before we took a break that when the time came, I would be the one waiting to get back with her. KNEW IT. And she said she had things to take care of. And that’s understandable. It doesn’t bother me, I understand. But it still kinda stings. Maybe I just wish-. I dunno. I dunno what I wish. I dunno what I’m doing. Tossing up things for grab that are the most important in my life. Cute huh? Good work Austin. *applauds*
“Cause I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life…
I rent a room and I fill the spaces with Wood in places to make it feel like home But all I feel's alone It might be a quarter life crisis Or just the stirring in my soul”
I guess it hurts so bad b/c I know she’ll be there in August, waiting for me. I know she will. I’d bet my life on it. But I can’t help myself from wondering if what if she wasn’t. How would I react? How bad would I hurt? There’s time’s I’m jealous of zeechy. He’s lonely. But he’s comfortable with it. I went thru this once before, and its honestly the worst thing ever. I hate it weighing on my mind. This summer was supposed to be carefree goddamnit. And I’VE turned it into anything but. Constant weight on me. And its my burden, fuck, I put it there. And now its just enough weight where I can carry it, could carry it forever. But not without a constant stumble that’s just outta sight of everyone I see. But in all honesty, I’m doing ok for it hurting this bad. I know I just have to carry it for another 5 or 6 weeks. My problem is I’m aware enough to know that its what I was waiting for…forever. And I found it. I got what I was after, hell, what everyone is after, and I stepped away. And now I can’t close that distance fast enough. It’s a summer of learning. Period. And like the cliché goes, it hits you when you least expect it. I could sit here all night and type, but I think that’s enough. I just needed to get this out, and putting it down like this helps me. Thank you if you made it all the way through this nightmare.
I tried my best to grin and bear
And took the stairs but didn't stop at the street
And as we speak I'm going down
Cause she spread her love
And burnt me up
I can't let go
I can't get out
I've said enough
Enough by now
I can't let go
I can't get out
Monday, December 16, 2002
make sure i tell you about me and nol's talk
Monday, September 09, 2002
"I never meant to fade..."
Friday, August 30, 2002
For the first time at college, i closed out a post while i was drunk w/o posting.
it was there, and i hit the X. crazy huh? *shrugs*
it was there, and i hit the X. crazy huh? *shrugs*
Tuesday, August 27, 2002
Opened the door
Knew what was me
finally realized
Parachute over me
Knew what was me
finally realized
Parachute over me
Monday, May 13, 2002
heh' March 31, and now its may 14th. Been a while. Strange how things changes. I'm sitting here, bored outta my mind, but its funny how your mind will link things together. I sit hear, and winamp scrolls thru songs. "Round Here" by Counting Crows begins to play and my mind immediately jumps to something i hadn't thought of in months, the night when you were homesick, crying between me and andy as the aforementioned song and a few others played. I was glad i was there at that time...
I'm now missing my friends in wilmington. =(
Gonna be a long summer
I'm now missing my friends in wilmington. =(
Gonna be a long summer
Sunday, March 31, 2002
*cringes over the times i've made you hurt*
Not many, but to many for my taste. I don't think it will happen anymore for a while. I hope and pray.
"May angels lead you in"
Not many, but to many for my taste. I don't think it will happen anymore for a while. I hope and pray.
"May angels lead you in"
